Why E Sucks... The Saga

Its no secret that we've been absent lately. Here's a little excerpt of why:

"A few years ago I tore a disc in my back. Typically, these things self-correct and heal over time. In typical Erin fashion, mine did not. Instead of healing, it continued to get worse. I tried Epidural Steroid Injections, Disc Decompression, yoga, massage, physical therapy, and good old-fashioned narcotics. Nothing worked. Apparently, my tendency to be a pain in the arse goes all the way down to a cellular level. I am a freakshow...."

I've been journaling my experiences with my Regenexx treatments over at my other website, if you're interested, you can read here for more information. I've been very blessed to live close to some amazing medical care. I'm very excited to be getting my back fixed without surgery. Although this has been not without pain (and a lot of money I don't have), I really feel that it will be worth it!

Meltdown Update

Alright folks, its been nearly a week since my "poor me" tantrum, just thought I'd post a little update.

I've been doing my back exercises religiously, accepted a new position at work (more on that after the announcement is made), got TWO new pairs of sassy boots from Prince Charming, put my costume together for this year's Race For The Cure (go Pink Pirates!), and have for some odd reason decided that I need a stripper pole for "exercise" in my house. All in all, a pretty good week.

I am very aware and a little worried that the good vibes are coming from all of the "new" going on. I am one of those people that is recharged by new. New job, new shoes, new makeup, new clothes... See where I'm going here? Luckily, the upcoming weeks involve lots of "new" for me. Next week I will start with my new at work, and I'm cutting FOURTEEN INCHES off of my hair to donate to someone who has lost their hair because of chemo. I'm heading over the mountains to Denver for a week of the Race For The Cure, a visit with my new neurologist, a conference for my new position and only two days at home to regroup before a trip to Wisconsin to see family.

I am a little concerned about what happens when all that craziness slows down, but for now, I'm just gonna sit back and enjoy the crazy. For some reason, when life is crazy, I'm a bit more sane.

As If You Didn't See This Coming...

Well, after my "rah-rah-go-me" girl power post yesterday I freaked out. Lost. My. Shit. Who didn't see that coming?

One minute, we're cleaning up the house, the next minute I'm sobbing on the floor because my husband made a crack about me being lame and I took it as an attack on my character. Not cool.

My husband wrote down some things that I said in the height of my little crash to rock bottom for me, and I thought I would share:

• I feel worthless
• I am a burden to this family
• I feel like giving up
• I hurt all the time
  
• I don't want to try anymore

Wow, you'd think that someone that went to school for psychology would've seen some of these textbook warning signs. Unfortunately, it took my husband writing this down and making me read it out loud to realize that my mind is in a very ugly place. Until my mind is in a good place, my body is not going to get better.

Long story short, I spent an hour or two sobbing on the floor before my husband talked me into putting my big girl panties back on and righting myself. I've given myself 60 days to start liking myself a little bit better, or I'll suck it up and ask for help beyond what my ever-supportive family and friends are giving me.

After a lot of snotty sniffling and soul searching, my ever-amazing husband came up with a new list for me. I am to do the following:

• Do my back exercises three times a day
• Spend 15 minutes a day of quiet time to re-focus on my determination to get better
• Pick up my shit around the house
• Ask for help
• Stay focused (0n getting better)

He is going to do everything else. I am no longer allowed to feel guilty that he is doing the laundry, mowing the lawn, or lifting heavy things.

Sounds pretty easy, right? Unfortunately, dealing with chronic pain is exhausting. It can make the simplest of tasks seem daunting. You start out well, with a positive attitude and a smile on your face. You can't do it all, but you can hold your own. Life is pretty good. Things start getting overlooked at home, but the important things get taken care of. You're tired, and a little stressed, but you manage. Soon, little things start piling up, you start feeling helpless, and it all builds until it all comes crashing down. By the end, it is too much to even get out of bed fifteen minutes earlier to do my hair. It sounds silly, but sometimes, that is the straw. The cycle I'm on seems to last about six months. The positive side? At least every six months I start over with a smile on my face and a renewed sense of faith.

Today, life is good, and my hair looks great.