Wednesday, September 24, 2008

As If You Didn't See This Coming...

Well, after my "rah-rah-go-me" girl power post yesterday I freaked out. Lost. My. Shit. Who didn't see that coming?

One minute, we're cleaning up the house, the next minute I'm sobbing on the floor because my husband made a crack about me being lame and I took it as an attack on my character. Not cool.

My husband wrote down some things that I said in the height of my little crash to rock bottom for me, and I thought I would share:

  • I feel worthless
  • I am a burden to this family
  • I feel like giving up
  • I hurt all the time
  • I don't want to try anymore
Wow, you'd think that someone that went to school for psychology would've seen some of these textbook warning signs. Unfortunately, it took my husband writing this down and making me read it out loud to realize that my mind is in a very ugly place. Until my mind is in a good place, my body is not going to get better.

Long story short, I spent an hour or two sobbing on the floor before my husband talked me into putting my big girl panties back on and righting myself. I've given myself 60 days to start liking myself a little bit better, or I'll suck it up and ask for help beyond what my ever-supportive family and friends are giving me.

After a lot of snotty sniffling and soul searching, my ever-amazing husband came up with a new list for me. I am to do the following:
  • Do my back exercises three times a day
  • Spend 15 minutes a day of quiet time to re-focus on my determination to get better
  • Pick up my shit around the house
  • Ask for help
  • Stay focused (0n getting better)
He is going to do everything else. I am no longer allowed to feel guilty that he is doing the laundry, mowing the lawn, or lifting heavy things.

Sounds pretty easy, right? Unfortunately, dealing with chronic pain is exhausting. It can make the simplest of tasks seem daunting. You start out well, with a positive attitude and a smile on your face. You can't do it all, but you can hold your own. Life is pretty good. Things start getting overlooked at home, but the important things get taken care of. You're tired, and a little stressed, but you manage. Soon, little things start piling up, you start feeling helpless, and it all builds until it all comes crashing down. By the end, it is too much to even get out of bed fifteen minutes earlier to do my hair. It sounds silly, but sometimes, that is the straw. The cycle I'm on seems to last about six months. The positive side? At least every six months I start over with a smile on my face and a renewed sense of faith.

Today, life is good, and my hair looks great.


Janelle said...

Ok, not really sure why these posts struck such a cord with me today, but I'm glad....this post made me cry even more. Erin, you are a strong person and only a strong, put-together person could live your life! Although you are in physical pain, I am often in mental pain, a cycle I hope...scratch that...I KNOW we can both overcome. Your commitment to yourself gave me a proper kick in the butt to strive to do better myself, so thank you! I'm now on a mission to better myself and put on MY big girl pants!

Bree said...

I don't think I have to actually write down that your posts made me cry, too. That is like telling you that your back hurts. Please remember...

You are an AMAZING friend, wife, auntie, daughter, pet mommy, writer, shoe shopper, popcorn cooker, cheeseburger maker, book recommender, pirate poker organizer, travel planner, pedicure inspirerer, fashion consultant, confidant, photographer, listener, laugher-wither...beautiful on the inside and out!!!

Don't you forget it!

Anonymous said...

OK Princess! Time to get on YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES and deal with things. Yes, you have pain, get on with it, get past it, whatever the hell you need to do to move forward. It's is the only way to go.
If I need to, I'll be up to get you and we'll have some retail therapy until you are feeling right with the world. (May have to get your Dad to kick in for that to happen, but believe me, I'll make it work) LOVE-Mom