Friday, October 31, 2008

Worst Best Man

I am SO glad that my wedding went smoothly, and that I still adore our best man -Thank You, Tyler, you were wonderful!
This guy? Not so much:

Monday, October 20, 2008

Fabulous Parenting Idea

I was reading one of my favorite blogs today, Redneck Mommy, and felt compelled to pass on a bit of her wisdom. I do not yet have children of my own, but am in the process of gathering an arsenal of creative ideas for torturing my children whenever they should arrive.
In one of her archived posts on punishment, the lovely Mommy mentioned a story where her son damaged her pantry door. Instead of morphing into a banshee and screeching at the child, she had her son pay for the door out of his own fundage and write an essay on what he had done. Nothing too crazy here, right?

Here is where the brilliance kicks in: She is compiling these essays for her lovely son into a book to present to him when he has a family of his own. Not only will he suffer through the writing of the essay, but again later, when his kids get to read through it. Oh, how kids LOVE to hear about their parents misdeeds as children.

I just got back from a trip to where my own parents grew up, and loved every minute spent with their siblings and friends, hearing about what they did as kids. (I was sad, however, to find that I was nowhere near as "cool" as my parents. They got away with a LOT more than I did!) It was great, my family laughing, me openmouthed, and my mom justifying why it was okay back then to party in some unsuspecting farmer's cornfield. Hmm, maybe I'll interview some family members, and make my parents some books of their own. Whaddaya think, mom?

Sunday, October 19, 2008


Just got back from a week in Wisconsin to visit family -lots to write about, but not enough time right now. Here's a teaser: new babies, old feuds, an afternoon at the hospital, and a great day on the lake enjoying the fall colors. And to top it all off, we came home to a busted water heater and a wet crawl space. Oh, the joys of adulthood...

Whew, I'm getting exhausted at the thought of things. I need a Valium.

Monday, October 6, 2008


It has been a whole year, and we still miss you every day. I still hurt just as bad today as that horrible day a year ago. I am so sorry I couldn't help you.
We wish you were here, buddy.
We Love you so much DJ.

I got DJ my sophomore year of college, and he took care of me for eight and a half years. Through college, a variety of living situations, jobs, and friendships, he was there for me every day with that amazing personality that only Golden Retrievers seem to have. He had more attitude and touched more lives than any dog I've ever known. Just a few short weeks after my wedding, we lost him much too early. We miss him so, so much.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

I've Realized...

That I'm not voting for the McCain/Palin trainwreck.
Didn't really plan on voting for these two anyways, but this has sealed my decision.
Redwings? Really? I don't think so.

Image courtesy of CNN

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

One More Day...

Tomorrow is the big day... I'm donating ALL OF MY HAIR to Locks of Love or a like organization. The good person in me is excited to be a part of something that is bigger than I am, but the vain Parker Girl in me is a little nervous about losing all of my hair.
I have a love/hate relationship with my long hair. When I actually take the time to do something with it, I love it. Most days though? It ends up in a giant knot on top of my head. Not a good look, but it is easy. Short hair can be so adorable and fun if it is done right. My problem? My face is a perfect circle. If this isn't done right, I'm gonna look even rounder than I am now. Not a good look. Luckily, I have the most amazing, gifted stylist EVER, and I'm counting on her to make me look fabulous. No pressure though. If anyone has any suggestions for cute cuts, you've got 24 hours to post them in the comments!
Because I have no shame, I have added a "before" photo. Please note that this was taken tonight after a very hectic workday. It looked a lot better about 10 hours ago! If the results are good, I'll try to get some photos tomorrow to share. Keep your fingers crossed!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Meltdown Update

Alright folks, its been nearly a week since my "poor me" tantrum, just thought I'd post a little update.

I've been doing my back exercises religiously, accepted a new position at work (more on that after the announcement is made), got TWO new pairs of sassy boots from Prince Charming, put my costume together for this year's Race For The Cure (go Pink Pirates!), and have for some odd reason decided that I need a stripper pole for "exercise" in my house. All in all, a pretty good week.

I am very aware and a little worried that the good vibes are coming from all of the "new" going on. I am one of those people that is recharged by new. New job, new shoes, new makeup, new clothes... See where I'm going here? Luckily, the upcoming weeks involve lots of "new" for me. Next week I will start with my new at work, and I'm cutting FOURTEEN INCHES off of my hair to donate to someone who has lost their hair because of chemo. I'm heading over the mountains to Denver for a week of the Race For The Cure, a visit with my new neurologist, a conference for my new position and only two days at home to regroup before a trip to Wisconsin to see family.

I am a little concerned about what happens when all that craziness slows down, but for now, I'm just gonna sit back and enjoy the crazy. For some reason, when life is crazy, I'm a bit more sane.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

As If You Didn't See This Coming...

Well, after my "rah-rah-go-me" girl power post yesterday I freaked out. Lost. My. Shit. Who didn't see that coming?

One minute, we're cleaning up the house, the next minute I'm sobbing on the floor because my husband made a crack about me being lame and I took it as an attack on my character. Not cool.

My husband wrote down some things that I said in the height of my little crash to rock bottom for me, and I thought I would share:

  • I feel worthless
  • I am a burden to this family
  • I feel like giving up
  • I hurt all the time
  • I don't want to try anymore
Wow, you'd think that someone that went to school for psychology would've seen some of these textbook warning signs. Unfortunately, it took my husband writing this down and making me read it out loud to realize that my mind is in a very ugly place. Until my mind is in a good place, my body is not going to get better.

Long story short, I spent an hour or two sobbing on the floor before my husband talked me into putting my big girl panties back on and righting myself. I've given myself 60 days to start liking myself a little bit better, or I'll suck it up and ask for help beyond what my ever-supportive family and friends are giving me.

After a lot of snotty sniffling and soul searching, my ever-amazing husband came up with a new list for me. I am to do the following:
  • Do my back exercises three times a day
  • Spend 15 minutes a day of quiet time to re-focus on my determination to get better
  • Pick up my shit around the house
  • Ask for help
  • Stay focused (0n getting better)
He is going to do everything else. I am no longer allowed to feel guilty that he is doing the laundry, mowing the lawn, or lifting heavy things.

Sounds pretty easy, right? Unfortunately, dealing with chronic pain is exhausting. It can make the simplest of tasks seem daunting. You start out well, with a positive attitude and a smile on your face. You can't do it all, but you can hold your own. Life is pretty good. Things start getting overlooked at home, but the important things get taken care of. You're tired, and a little stressed, but you manage. Soon, little things start piling up, you start feeling helpless, and it all builds until it all comes crashing down. By the end, it is too much to even get out of bed fifteen minutes earlier to do my hair. It sounds silly, but sometimes, that is the straw. The cycle I'm on seems to last about six months. The positive side? At least every six months I start over with a smile on my face and a renewed sense of faith.

Today, life is good, and my hair looks great.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

All The Things You Never Needed To Know

This website was started with several goals in mind, the most important one being therapy. Not for the unfortunate souls who stumble upon this site, but for the two brilliant minds behind it.

We have spent countless hours entertaining, supporting, and laughing at each other, and felt that a blog might be a good place for us to dump all of our random mutterings. Somewhere that we could save and share all of our hilarious thoughts, stories, and photos. On a more serious side, we also thought writing things down would be good therapy and help make us better writers. Nothing personal, dear Internet, but this was all selfish, and to hell with you if you didn't like it.

Obviously, we hope that some of the things that we rant and rave about will entertain those of you out there, especially if you're so entertained that you feel compelled to click on an ad. Ultimately, we'd love to be able to thank this website for a night out on the town or a new pair of shoes (*wink, wink*).

On a more serious note, writing has always been a way for me to work out what I'm feeling, get things out, and move on. Unfortunately, the past year of my life has been extremely emotionally and physically trying, and I've looked to this site more for levity than therapy. Lucky for you all, today I've decided to take my life back, which means that hopefully, I'll be writing more around here that makes people want to visit this site on a regular basis (and maybe even click some ads! think of the shoes, people!) and get to know Bones and myself a little better. I figure if I'm gonna be sharing my deepest, darkest thoughts (and of course, the most shallow, don't worry, there is an abundance of shallow in my head these days) that y'all might want to know a little bit about who I am. If you don't, quit reading.

I think part of the problem I've had with really getting going with my writing on this site is that I have a very hard time defining "me" so that is where I'm going to start.

Today I am in a productive, list-making kind of mood, so I'm just gonna start typing and see where this goes.

  • I am a 28 year old mom to two of the awesomest dogs ever.
  • I am married to a man who's idol is Peter Pan. I love this about him.
  • I am an unrecognized princess. Ask anyone who knows me, they're cool with it.
  • I am (usually) the good kind of crazy.
  • I hate doing laundry.
  • I have the greatest friends. Ever.
  • I love shopping, I could turn a convenience store outing into a retail experience.
  • I'm not very good at being organized.
  • I'm lucky enough to be called "auntie" by two (soon to be three!) of the coolest kids ever.
  • I have a bad back. At 28. It is trying to take over my life, but I'm not gonna let it.
  • I love love love to travel. Anywhere. I don't just want to see the world, I want to experience it.
  • I love to cook for the people I love. Must be the maternal instinct in me. Give me a tormented soul, and I'll pull up a chair and some comfort food.
  • I'm an amateur photographer. Better than my writing, thank goodness.
  • I've been slapped in the face with a pickle. A real pickle. We'll talk about it sometime.
  • In the last year, I've gotten married, lost one of my best friends, had surgery, gained some new friends, gotten promoted, met new family members, and helped complete some major construction projects at home. Its been a busy year.
  • I still haven't taken a honeymoon. That is going to be a priority this year.
  • I have an iPhone and I love it.
  • I may be a little addicted to MySpace and Twitter.
  • I love rice krispie treats just as much as creme brulee.
  • Sometimes I still need my mom.
  • I love books. All kinds. If you have any suggestions, leave them in the comments. I will read them.
  • I believe that you can never have too many friends or too much time to spend with them.
  • When I have a bad day, I buy shoes online. I also get shoes if I'm a good girl at the doctor.
  • I spend a lot of time at the doctor. It is emotionally and financially draining.
  • I love sparkly things.
  • I am a natural blonde.
  • My husband may be a saint. He has spent endless hours driving me to various doctor appointments, comforting me when I'm scared, and picking up the slack at home when I can't get out of bed. He even gets me ice packs for my ass. Isn't that sweet?
  • I believe that honesty and good manners will get you far in life.
  • Pedicures make me feel pretty.
  • I love lazy Sunday mornings with my family.
  • I can be selfish, irrational, and moody. I promise if you stick around you'll also see that I'm caring, generous, and fun.
  • I want to be a mom someday.
  • I am terrified of failing my loved ones.
  • I hurt, every day. It is exhausting.
  • Sometimes I say I'm okay when I hurt, because I think people are tired of hearing about how I'm feeling all the time.
  • I love good tequila.
  • I hate being cold, but I love getting snowed in with my hubby.
  • Coffee is worth its weight in gold in my house.
  • I love the beach.
  • I live in the mountains.
  • As I get older, I find more value in staying in with a few good friends than in a wild night out on the town. (although, the wild nights do have their place...)
I am hoping that throwing this out there will open me up to picking a point and writing about it. Any and all feedback is always appreciated. If you're an asshole, I reserve the right to ridicule, mock, or delete any crappy comments I don't like. This is my website, if you don't like it, don't come back. If you do like it, I'll try to make it worth your while.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Yaar, Bitches!

Ahoy, mateys! Today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day, so grab a jug 'o grog and brush up on the lingo! (if you have trouble with that, check out the TLPD Translator!)

I myself plan to make it a short day at the office today to get an early start on my evening of plunder and pillage!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Free Handbag Giveaway!

A new website, Handbag Planet, is being launched on October 15th, and they are giving away a free handbag every hour for 24 hours on the day of the launch! The bags are designs that are inspired by popular designer brands, and are priced between $30 and $80, so even if you don't win a bag, this site is a great place to get cute bags without breaking the bank!

After signing up, you select which bag you'd like to win -no strings attached. I have tried the submission process, and everything seems pretty clear. Sign up, hope to win a bag!

There are some adorable bags up for grabs, good luck to everyone!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

One Down, 75(ish) More To Go...

We made it through our first year! YAY!

Congratulations, Team Jones.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

I've Realized...

My body is not as tough as it used to be.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Somebody Play With Me!!

Once upon a time, there was a sleepy snail named Jim.


Jim had Labor Day off from work, but volunteered to earn some extra cash. They fed Jim pizza for lunch, and it was very tasty. However, Jim was the most very bored snail in the whole office and desperately wanted his snail friends to email him. Too bad Jim’s friends all had the day off. Poor Jim.
Yes. This is how incredibly under-stimulated I am today!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Count Your Blessings

Sometimes there are days that clarify everything. All of the crap from work, the annoyances of traffic, the chaos of a typical morning gone awry... these are things that some people would give anything to be able to bitch about, in retrospect. It's usually not until after the fact that you appreciate being 20 minutes late to work, and realizing that it wasn't such a bad start to the day afterall.

There was a fatal car accident this morning near my home.

The news said it had been a hit and run, the person responsible for the death of another human being had fled the scene and was at large, possibly somewhere in the huge state park across the street.So people see this story on the news, yeah, that sucks, blah blah, the roads are blocked off, "now I'm gonna be late for work! ugh!" A lot were probably angry at the other driver. Probably not many were able to truly empathize with those who weren't at the scene at all.Unless you've been a family member or friend on the other end of the phone call about your loved one being the one in the car, the one that won't be making it to work to bitch about his or her boss, you simply cannot understand the magnitude of panic, the sheer debilitating fear, the rush of "OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT". The feeling of 'surely there must be some mistake- this wasn't supposed to happen!' before the realization, the impact of the information that you have to process through your brain, and somehow make your mind function, your body take action, to DO SOMETHING. You will find out just how MUCH you would trade for everything to be okay, just how determind you can pray in those moments when the outcome is uncertain.

Several years ago, my sister was in a very bad car accident. She survived, Thank God, and she is without permanent injury today by nothing short of a miracle. However, she had been critically hurt, the entire left side of her body-from her skull to her shin- pretty mangled. Cracked skull, swelling on the brain, broken orbital bone, broken collar bone, broken ribs... I'll stop, you get the picture. She was in unspeakable pain. She had been hit by a driver that had run a stop sign. That person did not in any way intend to have this happen, he simply intended to get home to his family. My sister was in the hospital for almost a month, over Thanksgiving. Talk about being reminded about how thankful we should be for the things we take for granted far too often. The lives and health of our loved ones being at the top of that list. But also, being thankful for just your typical crappy day... usually in a week you can't remember what had ticked you off so badly anyway.

The next time you see a newscast that throws a wrench in your plans for the day, please remember 2 things... the first, that actions you take may affect others in ways you cannot even fathom, and the second, when you see something like this, remember the victims. Remember their families. Be thankful you are not getting that phone call today. Sometimes, your shitty day... is really a blessing.

Friday, August 22, 2008

I've Realized...

Tequila lunches are an EXCELLENT job perk.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Word of the Day - Wordle!

How fun is this?

To create your own, visit and play around, its fun! You enter a url or some text and create a fun mashup of the words used. You can edit text, color, layout, and font as well. What a great way to distract you from getting ANYTHING productive done. I love me some productivity killers.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008


My puppy is adorable, but he is not always the brightest bulb....

I've Realized...

Some people just suck, and there is nothing you can do about it.
Their problem, not yours.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Choppers, not the motorcycle kind...

Two huge military helicopters just flew by my window. Wouldn't be so strange if I were in town, but by "my window," I mean the window of my dad's house in the middle of nowhere on top of a mountain...

I wonder if this is because of the DNC coming to Colorado?

Or maybe I finally pissed the wrong people off?

Iono what kind of helicopters they were, but they both looked like this:

Thursday, August 14, 2008

I've Realized...

That somehow I've managed to wrangle some pretty amazing people into my circle of friends. Thank you all! I am a lucky girl.

***This is a new thing I'm trying. A stupid MySpace Survey was my inspiration.

I Think She May Be Planning To Eat Me...

So, I'm staying up at my dad's awesome house up in the mountains. Attached to his house is an apartment that he rents out occasionally. Right now, there is a very sweet couple staying in the apartment while the husband does some work up here. The wife appears to be staying in the apartment during the day.

We got up here yesterday, and I've been telecommuting, so I'm here all day, but not really "here" -like I'm ever really "here". Oh well, lets pretend.

I ran into the wife (who we'll call Sweet Lady from now on, since I already forgot her name because I am an asshole) shortly after I arrived, and we did some hilarious language-barrier-introduction-type thing with each other -you know the kind, where both people smile and nod like they know what the hell the other one is talking about, when really, we're each picking up about a fifth of what the other is saying. Luckily, her English is better than my Spanglish, so there were a few words that got through between the over-pronounced smiles and hand gestures.

Within 15 minutes of our introduction, she was knocking on the door with a frothy beverage in a cocktail glass. It was 11 am. Now, I am not one to be rude and refuse a gesture of friendship, so I accepted the beverage and went back to work. Unfortunately, the "cocktail" was just a smoothie, but it was wonderful, so I'll let it slide. Thanks, SL, for keeping me from drinking before noon!

A few short hours later, she was again knocking, asking if I'd like lunch. The only words I really understood were "cheese, stuff, comida, food, pretty, lunch, yum, and you like?" but she got the message across. Unfortunately, I had just eaten, so I turned down her request while pointing at the telephone because I had a conference call that I had to be on.

Ever the trooper that she is, she was back again before I was out of bed today. By the time I got to the door, she was gone.

I figured by then she'd have given up, but just now, she was back. This time, she brought a plate, shoved it in my face and said "Comida. Lunch. Hope you like!" with a big smile. I'd just eaten, but took the plate anyway, and thanked her. She then looked at my dogs and said "LOVE THE PUPPIES! You eat. Good. Bueno." We again did some huge hand gestures and smiles, and went to our respective corners.

I feel bad, because I've got to work while I'm here, and I'm really not sure if she wants to hang out because she is bored, or if she is trying to fatten me up so she can feed me to her husband for dinner....

Good thing my pain meds don't make me paranoid or anything...


Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Word of the Day


A fun word for describing the beating that a dumb ho deserves. As in "I'd just love to HoSmack that stupid bitch."

HoSmack makes me giggle.

Use it how you like, go have fun!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Thursday Funny - The Art of Waxing

This is an old email that has been going around for years, but it makes me laugh so hard that I cry EVERY TIME I read it. I just had to post it.
I have no idea who wrote this originally, so I don't know who to give credit to. If anyone knows, please share!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on.........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax'
kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP!

Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the's not! I touch. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop.

My head may pop off! What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???


I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax..

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and... OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!! It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.
Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Amazing Story of Love and Friendship

Many of you may have seen the Youtube video of the Hugging Lion, but if you have not, please take a moment to watch.

The story begins with 2 artists in London who in 1969 purchased a lion cub from Harrod's department store. Captive in a very small cage, they decided they would give him a better life and raised him as their friend and companion. When he grew too big and they were unable to continue caring for him, they decided to reintroduce him to Africa in hopes of rehabilitating him back into a normal life in the wild. In doing so, they were told that Christian would readapt to being a fully wild animal, and would forget who they were.

The two men waited a year, and then traveled five thousand miles to Africa in hopes of finding Christian again. The following video is footage of the lion as their pet, and then the reunion between the lion and his two friends the following year.

This just proves that love knows no bounds, and true friendships last forever.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

STD, Parasite, or Bilirubin Issue?

While talking to a coworker about a weekend at the lake with her dog...

coworker: "what if he got gonorrhea from the lake?"

me: "you mean giardia?"

coworker: "yeah, that"

15 minutes later...

same coworker: "what is it called again? jaundice?"

me: "no honey, giardia"

You can't make this shit up..

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Enlightenment, Via The Repo Man

So. This morning started off with an email to the family informing us that my uncle has a 6cm malignant tumor. He will be having surgery within 7 days and "options for treatment will be discussed." He has known about this tumor for weeks but decided not to tell anybody, other than people on his prayer trees at church. These people apparently did not include immediate family, as my father (his brother) got the news the same way I did today. Not a fantastic start to the day.
To compound the issue of not dealing with this news very well is an overwhelming stress smothering me at the moment due to being broke-down-broke. I get paid on Friday. This means, thanks to Murphy and his stupid Law, that my car will blow up, my animals will need an emergency vet, and I will get fired-- on Thursday.
I am now both broke and very very worried.
As I am sitting at my desk, forcing myself to do my horrible mid-year review, I realize that I cannot remember if I had turned on the fan for my dog today. It's going to be in the 90's and she will not be very happy. And now that I think of it... did I check her water? Already having the dread of a vet visit I can't afford, I decide it's best to go home on my lunch hour and check, just to be safe.
As I said, the weather was in the 90's. I also mentioned that my car may decide to blow up, and I have reason to believe this- it's been running extremely hot, and my air conditioning is completely fried. This means that when the weather is hot, my car runs hotter, and I have to drive with the heater on to try to cool it off. Needless to say, by the time I got home, I was medium-rare with a crispy shell.
Good news, the dog was fine. She had her water, she had her fan, and wouldn't you know- there were Chinese leftovers in the fridge for lunch. Well, hot damn. This lifted my spirits... slightly.
On the way back to work, not only does the radiator light come on, but so does my gas light. I have 2 tanks empty and 2 days until I get paid. This SUCKS. Well... I guess that last $20 is spoken for now. I am back to cranky. And I am very, very hot.
My sister calls as I am pulling in to the parking lot at work, wanting to know what I was calling for that morning (when I feared my entire family had left me to go to the Springs to see my uncle and forgot to remember me). She was irritated I would suggest such a thing. I was irritated back. They might have done it. Whatever. As I am hanging up the phone and turning to the left, my delicious Chinese lunch rolls off of the seat and explodes all over the passenger floor boards. I parked. And then I cried. This day isn't even half over, and I can't begin to imagine what the grand finale is going to be to this one!
My coworker and friend (who is also a car guru, bless his heart) witnesses my re-entrance and is quite alarmed. I huffed an explanation of the teriyaki trainwreck and the purple sweaty complexion. I was pissy. I hucked my NOT lunch into the trash and threw myself into my chair. That's when I remembered I'd left my pop in the car. I'd be lucky if it wasn't molten by the time I got back out there. That was pretty much the way this day was going to go.
That was until I looked outside and saw something that happens occassionally around here... the Repo Man was out front with an unfortunate blue Mazda hooked up by the chin. Two guys were stringing traffic lights along the back of it, in preparation for the Tow of Shame. Wow. Now THAT SUCKS. Hmm. Whoever's car that is might even be having more suck than my day. No, they're for sure having a way suckier day. It might not be running right, but least my car will still BE there. I sat down again with most of my anger depleated. Shortly afterwards, my friend from the parking lot quietly showed up at my desk with half of his ham & cheese sandwich, claiming that he was too full to finish it. Big fat liar. I nearly wept. It was one of the best ham sammies ever.
After work, I got a few drops of gas for tomorrow, and a jug of coolant with the last $20 that I was still lucky enough to have. I poured them both into the car I was still lucky enough to drive. Sometimes I don't feel my best either, I guess it can have its days too.
When I came back into the office for some overtime, to make some money, to replenish my aching bank account, I stopped by the vending machines. There were 2 side by side, and they both had Big Grab bags of Cheez-It's. One machine had them for 1.25... and the other had them for 75 cents. I felt like I was getting away with highway robbery. I giggled like a demon. And later on this evening, I will have a couple precious hours with a very good looking man and a frosty beer. I guess it's not been such a terrible day after all.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

%$*#^ Gas Prices

1996: My Honda Accord cost TWELVE DOLLARS to fill with premium.

2008: My Honda Accord cost SEVENTY DOLLARS to fill -with the "cheap" stuff.


Monday, July 7, 2008

Gotta Love Him

Husband: "I'm just really in a funk right now..."

Me: "I'm sorry, that is no fun."

Husband: "Eh, I'll figure it out. I just need to make some changes."

Me: "Would you feel better if I showed you my boobs?"

Husband: "Probably."

My Greatest Lego Moment Ever (via Cap'n Jones)

So we received a comment on E's post about the awesomeness of Lego's and asked for people's best Lego moments ever. One response we received from Cap'n Jones was just too good to leave buried in the comments section and had to be posted itself for the enjoyment of the masses. For your reading pleasure:

When I was a child, I was a Lego prodigy. I mean it. I didn't do much of anything else to be honest. While all the other kids were playing tee ball and learning to skateboard, I was tucked quietly away in the corner of my bedroom, building a version of what I call the "Lego demise" that you cannot even comprehend.

The setting for this moment began around Christmas time. I had just unwrapped the ultimate gift from Mr. Claus....the Legoland Forestman's Hideout.

Best. Present. Ever. Period.

I unwrapped the present, and I immediately knew what it was. I tore into it right then and there, determined to build the hideout before I opened any other gifts. I pulled out all the Lego’s, sorted them (as any experienced Lego engineer would) by color, then type. It was at that time that my dreaded nightmare…the day I hoped would never come to fruition…began:

My grand father wanted to help “little baby Jones” put this “dang ol thing” together.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I despise my grand parents. I just hated, and I mean HATED the idea of someone trying to manage a project…something of this unbelievable magnitude, with no experience. And, this wasn’t the first time someone tried to baffle my progress with silly nuisances like instructions, foresight, and reasonable timelines. What!?!?! This is fucking LEGO LAND! This is the only sacred ground that Lego engineers had left! I wouldn’t stand for it. I decided to fight back.

“Grandpa, here are the instructions” I said calmly to him.

I had set a trap for him. I set the bait, and waited as patiently as a 5 year old kid could for him to take a nibble at the bait I presented.

It seemed like months went by…tick tock….tick tock. Then it happened.

“Sure thing, let me get a hold of these instructions and I’ll show you how this is done boy” My grandpa said, as he took the bait.

“FISH ON!!!!” I thought to myself. I couldn’t believe my plan worked. As I handed him the instructions, I took the box back. The box contained all my little hands and head needed… the parts, and the picture of the finished product.

Five minutes passed. The instructions were opened and displayed as they should be (for a rookie….sheesh) and my grand father was ready to begin.

“You ready to tackle this son?” He said, as he turned around.

“Grandpa, thanks, but I’m done!?” I said, rejoicing inside.

“How the….what the….no instructions…My lord son, that was fast..”

My grandpa was baffled. He didn’t understand how someone could get something done that fast without instruction, and guidance.

I smiled, and played dumb. He didn’t need to know that my plan was a success. There was no need to hurt his feelings. I mean, it’s not like he wasn’t needed. He filled the political role of staring blindly at a set a prints beautifully. And, his marketing, it was genius. He not only sold the new fortress well, but the complements about my idiot savant ways were an addition only he could have conjured.

I learned two lessons that day that still haunt me. First, Lego’s aren’t a toy. Legoland is the premier place where builders go to be uninhibited by garbage politics and relentless processes that inhibit innovation. Second, for 25 years I’ve been striving to recreate a real life version of the Legoland Forestman's Hideout (set 6054 if you’re doubting me) and I still continue to have the same problems. Well, that and I can’t find any land with conveniently placed round tabs to connect my blocks to.

Toodles, Cap’n Jones


It is official, I've let myself go. I had been worried that moving to the mountains and getting married might have this undesirable side effect, but the full impact of my actions wasn't realized until I went to a party for a co-worker this past Saturday.

The hostess opened the door, took one look at me with makeup on and my hair done and blinked. Twice. And then said "wow, you look great!"

Me: "heh, yeah, I showered... And put on some mascara... And clean clothes. Apparently I haven't done that in a while?"

She made a quick recovery, as my husband snickered in the background.

Anyone want to donate a spa day for this poor girl who's been living in the sticks too long?

Friday, July 4, 2008

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Like this? Vote!

My sister in law is an amazing photographer! She took this adorable photo of Cooper, and currently has many more showcased on Check out her work here, and if you like what you see, vote!!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Every Lego Set EVER Made

For anyone who has ever been a kid, this is just awesome.

What are your fondest Lego memories?

Monday, June 23, 2008


Went to scout a camping spot for next weekend. Found a snowshoe trail still covered in snow even though the weather is gorgeous! I love that I can snowshoe in a tank top and then hit the lake in a cheap raft.

Only complaint? This guy got sick in the car. FIVE TIMES. Guess he needs some more practice on the 4wd trails...

Thursday, June 12, 2008

The Husband Has Tourette's ...Or Something

A (relatively normal) Instant Messenger conversation with the husband:

Me: You should take care of that

H: yeah...I got no balls.

H: seems I misplaced them.

H: oddly enough, about 8 years ago

H: you're going to have to do it.

H: I mean, you've got 'em.

H: the balls I mean.

H: you have my balls.

I can't even make sh!t like this up... Seriously.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Munch Mouth Strikes Again!

I need to unf*ck my attitude, and I need to do it quick. If I allow this aggression to build up any further, I may or may not slap the silly out of a coworker and may or may not lose my job. While it's not worth losing my livlihood over (not much is, really), I still need to get this off of my chest. Hopefully you guys are on board with that.

So the nastiest thing in the world to me is having to listen to somebody eat. I'm not talking about enjoying a meal with good company, I'm not even talking about being in a cafeteria with overly enthusiastic lunchers. I'm talking about being confined to a 3x3 cage while the person behind me is making little yummy noises. Constantly munching. With her mouth open. I am so not getting the point across here... she eats like a f*cking wild animal, people. I'm talking ridiculous. But this is not all. No... this is only the beginning. Allow me to paint for you a picture.

First of all, she has a reputation around the entire office, so it's not just me. After any kind of potluck or work-sponsored picnic, or anything that would have a massive amount of food for the entire workforce, she carries usually 2 or 3 plates back up to her desk, heaping full. After the functions are over, she leaves with enormous volumes of leftovers. I am not kidding. We had a barbque recently, and she took home an ENTIRE catering-sized pan FULL of baked beans. Nasty in itself. We had Chick-Fil-A come by with free sandwiches one day. She sat here and ate SIX of them. People think it's a joke, they tease her all the time about being able to out-eat any competition possible. So are you picturing a 300 pound femme-monster? Not even a little bit close. She *might* weigh 98 pounds, soaking wet, with her shoes on. (Of course, another reason to hate her.) However, all of these things don't hold a candle to the noises that fly out of the woman when she is consuming her mountains of nutrition. I couldn't think of a way to describe it, until I was standing next to my animals as I laid breakfast before them. The carnage that ensued is the closest thing I have ever heard, and they still have better manners than she does. At least they have an excuse for not covering their mouths when they burp, their little paws just don't move in that direction. She, however, has limbs that seem to work just fine, and yet... {{shudder}}.

As if that wasn't bad enough- headphones at high volumes will cover the soundtrack of a village feast, but it doesn't end there, friends. No, she finishes whatever she had to begin with (nearly consuming the styrofoam plate in the process), and then turns her eye to whatever somebody around her might have. She's not so blatent to ask "are you done with that?" but hints that she would probably enjoy your breakfast burrito much more than you, and would be happy to should you not want it. Ambrosio (see comments from previous posts) recently had a large bowl of something like Cup O Noodles for lunch. You would never know, because like most people, he can eat food without making it a public spectacle. However, since Munch Mouth had her radar out, she leans over his wall (mid-bite), and exclaims "that smells delicious!" Because this subtlety didn't earn her any prizes, she turned it up a notch. "Maybe I should get one of those... unless you have more?" No. No I do not. (Pointed look.) But since she assumes that everybody is her friend and finds her as adorable as she finds herself, she takes no offense and just turns to other lunchers to find another opportunity.

I will conclude this rant (thank you for your time) because it is now lunch time and I have to go scope out a secure area to protect myself from an attack. One last thing. If you are the office Munch Mouth... stop it. We beg you.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Thursday Funny

Ok, so we have all embarrassed our parents at one time our another, being a completely innocent little angel and having no idea that our little actions would be considered... questionable. Today, we're going to combine the funny : (This right here, very good stuff)...

...with our normal Monday Question of the Week. Now, 2 things I am wondering before I continue... where did this kid get this thing OUTSIDE? And why is there another one's arm reaching into the picture? There must have been some kind of blow up doll sledding competition, but I won't think too hard about it. Normally, having your 3 year old drag out your "Blow Up Betty" for all to see would be mortifying, so we'll go with that.

So tell us! What did you do-- or worse!-- what have YOUR kids done to YOU that goes into the "I'm sure well laugh about this later" catagory??

Wednesday, June 4, 2008


But oh so cute!

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Thank Goodness

After one of the most bad news filled weeks EVER, I'm happy to say that VH1 is featuring "The Top 100 Songs From The 80's". (Think Madonna, Men at Work, Debbie Gibson, and more!)

Nothing like bad clothes and even worse hair to bring a smile to my face on a tough day. Thank you VH1.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

What's Your Therapy?

After an extremely trying week last week, I spent my Saturday doing things that were all about me. I slept in, I painted my toenails, I played with the dogs, I spent a few hours on the phone with some amazingly supportive friends, and I watched bad TV -all while consuming about half a pot of coffee. While I was flipping through the channels feeling sorry for myself for not being able to save the world, I came across Elizabethtown. It seemed like a cute movie, so I sat down for a watch.
That movie was apparently the start to my therapy for the weekend. I won't ruin the movie for anyone who hasn't seen it, but there is a very sweet part at the end that made me cry a little. That little 5 minute part that made me cry a little was all it took to open the floodgates on a week's worth of big time stress. Thank you for that, Elizabethtown.
I cried for a good hour, and got it all out. After that cry, I picked myself up off the floor, gave myself a little talking to about how I am completely incapable of saving the world all by myself, and got on with my day. Removing that weight from my shoulders (that I had placed there all on my own) was exactly what I needed to get on with what turned out to be a good weekend. Turns out that cry was just what I needed. Well, that and a new pair of shoes.
What does it for you when you're down? Do you cry? Punch a wall? Bottle it all up?
What is your therapy?

Friday, May 23, 2008

Friday Funny

True. So so true. After a very long day yesterday (you may have heard about the tornadoes in Colorado on the news) we could all use a good laugh!!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

WTF is Wrong With People?

"Boyfriend busted for leaving tot locked in car while he hits strip club"

I sure hope this kid's mom dumped this loser on his ass. Who does this? Apparently, the mom of a 3-year-old gave her boyfriend $20 to take her daughter to dinner while she was at work. Instead, this ass locked the kid in the car, only cracking a window while he stopped in at Shotgun Willie's for a lapdance. The best part? He used the kid's dinner money to pay his admission.

How do you even teach people this stupid?

Monday, May 19, 2008

Give Up The Summer Goods!

So, I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm not nearly as cool as I used to be. Maybe given the opportunity, I could exude some coolness again, but nothing will ever top the cool factor of the time I broke into the YMCA in the middle of the night... with my crush... to go skinny dipping in the pool off MLK Blvd. Daring, sexy, dangerous.

We had to hide from the cops, we had to run barefoot through mud and grass, and I had to fake like I could swim. (Lost some cool points on that one, started gulping for air before I came up and damn near needed mouth-to-mouth... but hey, it's an opportunity in its own, no?)

What a perfect setting for a first kiss. It was definitely the most memorable I've had to date. Too bad he used that opportunity to mention that he was engaged... needless to say, we didn't go skinny dipping again. But what great fun while it lasted!

Fun in the sun-- be it with your love, your best group of friends, or even your furry companions is what the summer spirit is all about! Screw the holidays-- pass me a margarita!

Definitely my best summer memory to date with the chicks
was our BACHELORETTE PARTY CRUISE to the fabulous
BAHAMAS!!! There isn't much detail I can go into without
incriminating those who were there, but let's just say... if you
ever get the opportunity to go somewhere exotic, DO IT. Just beware... the cute little local boys are selling knock-offs too, no matter how hot their accents are. Who cares, fall for it anyway. Of course, I am a sucker for accents and winking locals. I was convinced I had bought 2 real "Cuban" cigars from a guy on the beach who "had to go, this is your last chance!"-- (and turned up again on the same beach an hour later... should have tipped me off...) and was going to smuggle them back in my suitcase. I don't think I slept a full hour the night before we left, stressing so hard about getting caught, thrown in jail, paying thousands of fines, all for these taboo (and therefore necessary!) cigars. To be honest, I don't even know if they were CIGARS, much less Cubans, but I had myself convinced by the time we went to customs they had handcuffs ready for me. I can't even describe the feeling of relief that overcame me when I saw my suitcase waiting for me, still in one piece, and not a single angry customs agent to boot. I'll be honest, I felt pretty damn cool. That is... until my brother pointed out that the labels were misspelled...

Alright, so I've just publicly posted 2 of my most embarrassing-- but fabulous!!-- summer stories. We know you have more, and we can't wait to hear!! Post up your best summer stories, and check back often to laugh and reminisce!

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Thursday Funnies - Baby

I'm so gonna do this to my kids. Funny.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Spoiled Much?

So, I was at the store today buying our new puppy a pool...
Yes, I admit it, I bought MY DOG a swimming pool. I do not have a swimming pool, but Cooper, a 4 month old Golden Retriever does. I do not think this is what the store had in mind when they decided to advertise and sell "kiddie pools," but whatever.
...Anyways, it got me to thinking about all of the things we do for our pets -toys, treats, an endless array of training tools, I could go on and on. My dogs have attended more ski trips than most Americans. What can I say, I love them, and if I can bring them along, I do.
My mom says she is scared for me to have children because of the way my dogs live -am I alone in this, or is this normal? Do you spoil your pets?

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Happy Mother's Day Mom!

Today is Mother's Day, the one day a year we get to offer thanks to some of the most under appreciated workers on the planet. If you haven't yet, call your mom and tell her you love her!

I was reading Post Secret today, and some of the cards made me laugh, more made me want to cry. All of them made me remember how lucky I am, and I realized that I owe my mom (and a few other moms) a big thank you!

Favorite Memories and Things I Want To Thank My Mom For:

  • Shopping until we wanted to drop, and then going to "one more store
  • For sending me to Europe instead of sending herself
  • For teaching me that while they may not truly be a girl's best friend, diamonds sure are fun to look at
  • For teaching me the value of experience -travel, the arts, great food, the beauty of where we live, and more
  • Sharing meals at our favorite restaurants
  • For standing behind, supporting, and cheering me on for every single want, need, or passion I've taken on over the years, there have been some crazy ones!
  • A shared love for Coach bags, warm beaches, pedicures, a good book, and great food
  • Endless chauffeuring -lessons, ski trips, drop-offs at the mall, friends houses, and many more
  • Care packages in college
  • St. Thomas, Maui, Mexico, Europe, the Bahamas, and all of the places in between
  • Getting all dolled up and going out to a swanky dinner and the theatre
  • Laughing at me instead of strangling me when I thought I was too cool for everything (I know there were some moments where strangling me would've been MUCH easier)
  • A willingness to drive four hours to stay with me when Adam was out of town and I was too chicken to stay home alone
  • My mom, scraping, scrubbing, and painting our "project house" -just so I wouldn't have to live somewhere so icky for so long
  • Her willingness to drive three hours just to hang out with me now
  • Her, chasing my crazy little brother around the house with a spatula, because he broke the wooden spoon
  • Painting my living room when I couldn't
  • Helping me choose the perfect wedding dress
  • Driving to Vail for my surgery, and not making too much fun of me while I was still medicated, and then staying with us to help take care of the house so Adam didn't have to
  • Birthday parties -from pool parties when I was little, to the dreaded pre-teen slumber parties
  • Getting snowed in up in the mountains with $1.45 between us for Taco Bell
  • The nights we stayed up late talking in St. Thomas, laughing until we cried
  • For being the best Mother of the Bride ever
  • For letting me "figure it out for myself" -bad friends and even worse boyfriends, college, big bangs, bad clothes, and everything in between
  • For ALWAYS being there, even if it wasn't so convenient -school events, bad days, breakups, and everything in between
  • For giving Dustin and me one more chance, even when we probably didn't deserve it
  • Have I mentioned the passion for travel experiences?
  • For being not only a friend to me, but also to all of my friends
  • For doing a such a good job that I want to be a mom too
  • I could go on and on, but mostly, thank you for being YOU! I love you Mom!
**Also, thanks to Wendy, Pat, Linda, and all the other moms that have helped mother me over the years!!

Share your favorite mom memories with us, and then send your mom the link to read all the reasons you are grateful to have her around!