Sunday, June 8, 2008

Munch Mouth Strikes Again!

I need to unf*ck my attitude, and I need to do it quick. If I allow this aggression to build up any further, I may or may not slap the silly out of a coworker and may or may not lose my job. While it's not worth losing my livlihood over (not much is, really), I still need to get this off of my chest. Hopefully you guys are on board with that.

So the nastiest thing in the world to me is having to listen to somebody eat. I'm not talking about enjoying a meal with good company, I'm not even talking about being in a cafeteria with overly enthusiastic lunchers. I'm talking about being confined to a 3x3 cage while the person behind me is making little yummy noises. Constantly munching. With her mouth open. I am so not getting the point across here... she eats like a f*cking wild animal, people. I'm talking ridiculous. But this is not all. No... this is only the beginning. Allow me to paint for you a picture.

First of all, she has a reputation around the entire office, so it's not just me. After any kind of potluck or work-sponsored picnic, or anything that would have a massive amount of food for the entire workforce, she carries usually 2 or 3 plates back up to her desk, heaping full. After the functions are over, she leaves with enormous volumes of leftovers. I am not kidding. We had a barbque recently, and she took home an ENTIRE catering-sized pan FULL of baked beans. Nasty in itself. We had Chick-Fil-A come by with free sandwiches one day. She sat here and ate SIX of them. People think it's a joke, they tease her all the time about being able to out-eat any competition possible. So are you picturing a 300 pound femme-monster? Not even a little bit close. She *might* weigh 98 pounds, soaking wet, with her shoes on. (Of course, another reason to hate her.) However, all of these things don't hold a candle to the noises that fly out of the woman when she is consuming her mountains of nutrition. I couldn't think of a way to describe it, until I was standing next to my animals as I laid breakfast before them. The carnage that ensued is the closest thing I have ever heard, and they still have better manners than she does. At least they have an excuse for not covering their mouths when they burp, their little paws just don't move in that direction. She, however, has limbs that seem to work just fine, and yet... {{shudder}}.

As if that wasn't bad enough- headphones at high volumes will cover the soundtrack of a village feast, but it doesn't end there, friends. No, she finishes whatever she had to begin with (nearly consuming the styrofoam plate in the process), and then turns her eye to whatever somebody around her might have. She's not so blatent to ask "are you done with that?" but hints that she would probably enjoy your breakfast burrito much more than you, and would be happy to should you not want it. Ambrosio (see comments from previous posts) recently had a large bowl of something like Cup O Noodles for lunch. You would never know, because like most people, he can eat food without making it a public spectacle. However, since Munch Mouth had her radar out, she leans over his wall (mid-bite), and exclaims "that smells delicious!" Because this subtlety didn't earn her any prizes, she turned it up a notch. "Maybe I should get one of those... unless you have more?" No. No I do not. (Pointed look.) But since she assumes that everybody is her friend and finds her as adorable as she finds herself, she takes no offense and just turns to other lunchers to find another opportunity.

I will conclude this rant (thank you for your time) because it is now lunch time and I have to go scope out a secure area to protect myself from an attack. One last thing. If you are the office Munch Mouth... stop it. We beg you.


Psuedocode said...

First of all I hope They Took The Time To Take Those pickles off the chic-fil-a sandwich. (great use of alliteration) How can any one person consume 6 of those things? In regards to the Munch Mouth where does she put it? Rumors have been floating that MM is an alien spy and the fuel for her transmission to outer space is food. This or a popsicle stick down the throat are the only explanations that we should consider. Have you noticed the MM does walk like Marvin the Martin, sans sneakers?

Bones said...

I had completely forgotten to add in the part about the crumbs taking flight from her face and accumulating in her keyboard, so then she takes her keyboard and bashes it violently on the wall of her cube. That, and the fact that Nacho Day in the cafeteria puts me in near-meltdown status. You've all seen the pie eating contests? She needs to enter a nacho-eating contest with her hands tied behind her back, she doesn't use them anyway!

Janelle said...

Wow, I had no idea that this was actually a problem! I thought the email I sent was funny, but didn't think it really happened...although, it did create one awesomely hilarious Bones Blog and I love it!